It’s not everyday that a Christian gets excited to spend time with his Lord and Savior. Most days, it’s a warfare. Temptations are thrown in by the enemy and sometimes pride (self-centeredness, self-dependence, self-absorption) and worries of this life kick in.
Yesterday was one of those days. I was struggling to find quietness with God the entire day. My mind was polluted with a lot of frustrations and hurts. My Bible is within reach but I would rather scroll over my phone. I felt tired and bored and sapped by worries. My mind was wandering with conclusions and assumptions; not prayers and petitions.
My heart felt heavy but I was trying so hard to come up with how I can say it to God. I wanted to be honest with God but I was delaying it. The Holy Spirit wants my soul to find rest but I was constantly going against it. The struggle was indeed real and it left me with no peace. There was a still small voice within me saying, “Just go and talk to Him.”
Everyone at home was already sleeping and I was led to go to our dining area. I opened a little lamp, turned on a fan and placed my Bible on the table. I sat ready to read and listen to Him, but then I still stood up and walked around, wanting to forsake my quiet time yet again. But the still small voice kept saying, “Just go and be honest with Him.”
I sat down and stared blankly into space. I could not open my mouth. I do not know what to tell God. But He kept saying, “Come to Me as you are.”
One heavy sigh and then I uttered, “Lord, I’m not okay.”
Then I started crying out loud. I was not saying anything but I was just crying as though I was being comforted by an embrace I could not physically see. It felt like I was being understood deeply even without expressing myself just yet. Sobbing relentlessly, words started pouring out aimlessly.
“God, I’m sorry. It’s so hard to pray.”
“I’m sorry that I didn’t want to be here.”
“I’m drowning in self-pity.”
Then suddenly, a prayer of thanks came about. “Thank You God for pursuing me. Thank You Father for still bringing me here in Your presence.”
Then, realizing how good God is and how self-absorbed I was, I uttered, “Please forgive me, Father. Lord, have mercy.”
When we go through the prayers of David in the book of Psalms, we’ll see writings of honest, specific and heartfelt letters. It did not always sound good but David’s expressions of faith were blatant. He would tell God that he has enemies and that he is troubled by them because of the things they do (which he elaborates to God). He would cry out to God and beg God to see his afflictions and to rescue him immediately.
Sometimes, he transparently tells God that his strength is dried up. Sometimes, he brutally tells God the things he has done, asking Him for forgiveness and mercy.
God does not want me to cover it up or delay it. He doesn’t care if I sound good or awkward in my prayer. This loving God wants His children to come to Him as they are — seeking Him with their hearts even when it’s broken and weary.
He does not have to but He waits for me to be honest with Him. He does not need to but He pursues me until I confessed where I was at.